My Life...It's Such A Wonderful Life, Don't You Think?

Anything and Everything

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Well, it has been a while and everyone keeps bugging me. So here I am. Get off my back.

A lot has changed since my last entry. I seem to have done it again. Changed my life for the hopes of something wonderful and again it has blown up in my face. I guess that is a little harsh. Do you ever get the feeling that maybe it is time to just give up and let life pass you by? I do and than I remember how much I would kick my own ass.

I still live in the little town of Dunnville and yes it still sucks most of the time. My neighbours, school and job are what keep me here. Living situation...very strange. I live with my ex-boyfriend (the one I moved here to be with) in our house we built together, down the street from my ex-flings best friend's. I am lonely most of the time, can't sleep, and eat very little because I don't have time. Of course, the most popular thing to do when you are down is to make yourself crazy busy and that is what I do. Problem living with your ex under these circumstances make it very hard. We broke up because it wasn't working, joint-decision intiated by me. But all I want to do after a bad day is have him hug me and hold the way he used too. Or have him hold me as I fall asleep...because my god he was good at that. I still love him and miss him very much as my counterpart but we both know we made the right decision.

Love life now consists of nothing really. I get my compliments and good feelings from a man that is married, so of course other than talk, nothing is going on. Not into that. One of the guys I work with has decided after drinking with me twice that I am way too nice which attracts him to me even more than he already was. Not interested. So, that leaves me to sleep alone. Yuck. I feel very alone a lot of the time and somehow get out of bed everyday and tell myself that things are going to work, everything is good, can only get better. Very hard to do. Luckily, A and I see each other a lot and that definitely keeps me sane. If I didn't have that I would have gave up a long time ago.

BUT, Spring is here which perks me up quite a bit. Gets me thinking of the tasks I want to complete and the goals I want to reach. This is a good thing which most of you are probably thinking "bad idea, bad idea" as you shake your head no.

All I know right now is that as stressful as my job is, I have a great job, I love my house, and I WILL NOT allow myself to settle for anything less than true happiness and there is NO WAY I will allow my life to pass me by without me putting effort and completion to at least some of my goals. These of course include: Bookkeeping Certificate, CGA, Languages (French, Spanish, Japanese, and Italian), Scuba License, Take Up Horseback Riding, Skydiving (wait a sec, I've done that twice), and owning a beach house and a bar on a beach. Oh yah, and a Villa in Tuscany. I can't wait. When I hit 30, I am going to have the time of my life.

So there I have updated my blog for the most part up to now. But, for the people who know me, I must run to my busy little life and begin the next 3-5 hours of work I have ahead of me. I promise to try and keep in touch and change my disgustingly boring blog settings. Why didn't anyone say something about how yucky it looks? You suck. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Promise.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Hey! So it has been a long time since my last confession. I feel like I have kinda let this be one. Time for a change. So, have you ever sat and tried to figure yourself out. It is scary I tell ya. But I am doing it. I am realizing things I don't even like about myself and that is why I am working on things for MYSELF! To know I am doing is already making me happier and I need to be. I have so many ideas of things I want to do and what I want to fix. I am trying to keep myself busy. So far it is working.

I miss a lot of my friends and I need to make more time to see them...only problem money. But I am trying to make a visit schedule that will not put us in trouble with credit companies. I am always afraid that they are thinking I have forgot them or am ignoring them, but I'm not. I love each and every one of them in their special way and you friends should know who you are because you would be one of the only people I have chatting with since my move to the middle of nowhere.

Moving on...sorry don't want to start dwelling too much might start to bother me. So, school. School seems to be doing well. I have received 86% in my first course and have started my second. A little harder already but I am up for the challenge and NEED it.

Work......crazy. I feel underpaid and underappreciated. Everyone's story, right? But I can't complain too much. They are paying for my school and any seminars/programs needed for some of my new work duties. I receive tons of experience and if I think I have had enough that will get me far. I like the work I do for the most part. A lot of responsibility and no one to ask to give me a hand..if I did and it happened I think I would have a heart attack. See at my work I am the one that helps everyone else to complete their work where they do not. To them that is not their job and they don't get paid to do more than one job. Nice, huh? But people who know me know my strong work ethic.

So... again moving on. The house is here and nice. Lots of work still needed but that takes money that maybe one day we will have again. Little description. We live in a new subdivision on a court. The grass is the best on the street..everyone says so, not just me. The front of the house is a light grey brick with two windows, a door, and a garage door. The rest of the house is grey siding. When you enter the front door you are in the little foyer/part of the livingroom. Following the livingroom leads into our kitchen/diningroom...fairly roomy. All stainless steel appliances and black countertops speckled with white and grey. Lots of lighting. Fairly modern which is what we were going for. To the right of the kitchen is the door to the garage which is a garage and a half length wise. On the otherside of the kitchen (the left) there is a door leading downstairs and the carpet starts for the hallway. From there the master bedroom is on the right and following down the left the bathroom and then the spare bedroom/computer room (until the basement is finished). All lights switches and electrical covers are decora style, all fixtures are brushed nickel, and the livingroom, bedroom and spare bedroom have Scandinavian ceiling fans with lights in them. Our livingroom also has a cathedral ceiling. The basement is big and unfinished. Laundry is down there and my god did I get the best washer and dryer in the world. Front loaders with a thousand settings. No more hand washing and no more dry cleaning. But enough about the house just come and visit me. Oh yah, and the garage has a couch and patio table in it right now. The couch will stay there and the patio table and chairs will be on our deck when we build it.

I am getting excited because I have been finding out that more friends are closer than I thought, but there are still a few too far away from me. And yes, you know who you are (5,6,7 hours away). I want to have everyone down for a visit/party weekend.

My family is doing well. Missing me of course... why wouldn't they you know me. HE! HE! HE! Kids are getting so big. SCARY.

But I do still smoke and this is why I must say goodbye till next time and I really will try to write more often. It makes me feel better...I think...so far.

Take care and take care of the ones your with or around and think of me because I am definitely thinking of you.....and he would like me to tell everyone hello from him too.

Miss you and love you all. You will always be a big part of my life even if we don't see each other all the time. Remember that....I still tell the stories.....and have the pictures...SUCKERS! :)


BP

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

So....today on my way home from work I thought about how I could pretend to be happy little me to make everything all better. It didn't work. Well, it worked for awhile. I have tried to prove my point and I am the only one who sees it. It was told to me that if your attitude says a lot. If I'm happy and in a good mood then he will want to be around me and want to spend his time with me....I always said that that didn't matter it still ended up the same way....me hearing 'maybe', 'you have to wait', and 'don't force me to do anything'. Those words to me tell me that me asking for some more time where I matter a little more has to be forced. Which brings me to my point of WHY AM I HERE!!!

Monday, January 20, 2003

Ok, so I have been told to write more since it has been so long. So I thought about what I would say. I didn't want this to be another person who rants about their life. The funny thing is though, that that is all I have to say. Yah, ok so there are some funny things, maybe some good things but most of my life is crap. I decided that I would make this my site to rant and rave about everything that bothers me since I now live in a place where I no absolutely nobody and have no one to talk to face to face about me. I know that sounds a little selfish but you know what, too bad, it's my turn. My whole life I have spent trying to help other people, make other people happy and in all that I forgot about me. I am not a selfish person and I have done nothing but care about the people in my life. People who know me who are reading this should know that I would give every penny I had to help them out, that I would die for them if that was the only way, and no matter where I am or what I am doing they can call me up, come and chat, ask me to be there because they were in trouble and that I would be there as fast as I could be. Now I feel has though I am asking someone to rescue me. Everyday I give it my all to be happy in my situation. It has come to a point in the relationship I am now in that it has turned into a routine where I am last on the last, not only on my behalf but on the behalf of my partner as well. Now how the hell to you get a person has stubborn as your self to, I don't want to say change, but care. I have been very depressed lately....too depressed. When I was younger I did stupid things when I got depressed and for some stupid reason I am back to think that way again. Of course, I have grown up and realize how stupid those thoughts were but you know sometimes it feels good to think like a child and look at it from a complete selfish perspective. Only problem is I have never been selfish. Maybe that is a fault of mine...I never learned to be selfish. About 95% of the time I feel like I have to put on a show and believe me I haven't been good at it lately. I have to learn how to pretend to be happy again. The only problem is I feel like I should be able to be myself and not be punished for it. In high school I did the whole 'nothing's wrong' smile, smile, smile. I got so used to it by people even off the street saying how they loved my smile, and how beautiful my smile was. The funny thing is no one actually knew me, never knew how I felt inside. Well, that is not true. The only person that actually knew me in my whole entire life, the true me, the way I really felt, was my best friend Spilios. Unfortunately, after grade 10 he was killed in a car accident and to this day I still think of him everyday. He was the one true friend I could depend on and know that I could be myself. He never tried to make everything better, he just listened...not even that. He showed he cared by commenting on it then finding some way to make me happy, whether it was with a glas of wine at lunch or just making me laugh. I used to live with a guy who although we didn't always see eye to eye we understood each other. He put on a 'I don't care' front but when I needed him he was there, watching movies, letting me lay my head in his lap, or just telling me that I shouldn't worry about it. I don't even think he would realize I was talking about him if he was reading this right now. But, that is what makes it so valuable to me. That friendship was true, real, not fake, not forced it just happened. That was a side track sorry. I guess what I think about most is that I am not good enough. That people don't want me for me, they want me to be that fake, happy all the time person and I really don't think I can do that anymore. NO, wait a second I shouldn't have to put on an act everyday. Everyone I know thinks I am this strong person that can handle anything and I used to think that too, but you know what I'm not. I realize now that that was all a show too. "Won't get hurt if I pretend like it doesn't" only thing, it does hurt. Ok, so you can pretend it doesn't and sooner or later it hurts less, but you still think about it later on and realize how much it did hurt. I guess I don't want to hurt anymore. I am sick of hurting. I don't think I am asking for too much. I am asking to be loved. That does not mean someone saying I love you everyday. It just means....oh hell like I would know......I guess it means that I want to be treated like I am special, have the feeling of being loved, knowing that if something happened to me the next day, week, month, year that they would truly miss me and right now I don't have that feeling. Of course, my mom would miss me and my niece and nephew but I mean other than family. Sometimes at night I don't even sleep thinking about all this. I lay there with my eyes open thinking and next thing you know it is morning and my eyes never opened because they never closed. And SEX oh don't get me started. I've gone from having sex almost everyday to once every two weeks...if I am lucky. There has to be someone out there that knows how disgusting it feels for yourself when the person you love won't even touch you sexually. Yah, ok you get the morning and good night kiss and if your lucky you get one or two in between but the feeling of just being wanted anytime, anywhere has left. I guess in my case life is our problem. There is always something that needs to be done only probably is.....SO DO I. First, of all I would like to thank everyone for letting me rant not like you had a choice or anything. Second, thank you for it. If I keep ranting I could go forever I am quite sure or until me head exploded or the veins in my forehead popped out and stayed that way. And for any friends who are reading this I am quite sure I will be fine, I just needed to get this off my chest. I don't think I can hold stuff like this in anymore or I might turn into Rambo or something and blow everything up. Yah, right could you imagine....me neither. I miss everyone and I will try and write good stuff too has it happens but sometimes I just need to let it out. Talking to a brick wall doesn't always help. Bye for now....see ya on the flip side. Talk to you soon. Thanks again and thank you Andrew for introducing me to a rant place....so many people are probably hunting you down right now because of this...you do realize that don't you. It can be our little secret..ha ha.

Friday, October 18, 2002

Hello everyone who might have came to this site. It has been a while. I have purchased a beautiful new car. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! It is a beautiful 2002 black cavalier coupe 2 dr. automatic. Insurance is CRAZY though. $4000 a year roughly. That's nuts. Trying to find cheaper though. So, if anyone knows where to go I'm open for suggestions. I joined an employment agency on Wednesday and am joining another one on Monday. The tests that I had to do were actually pretty fun. I now know under their tests that I type 52 wpm at 100% accuracy. I'm a genius.....ok, maybe not a genius but a good typer. Well, time to fly. Hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving and will talk again later. I still have to learn how to add links and things so it will be boring for a little bit still. Bye for now.

Friday, October 11, 2002

Well, hello everyone and anyone. This is new to me so take it easy on me. I am now living in the little town of Dunnville. 6,000 people in the town, 6,000 people in the outside of town. I figured it would be a nice quiet town. There are a couple little annoying things. I don't have a job yet and yet I still wake up every morning to an alarm to wake Bill for work or wake up to an annoying woman that lives downstairs who yells at her children or dog every morning, Monday to Friday that is. I have only told her to shut up once. I figure I deserved a little more sleep I guess. Well, I've tried it out and will return but for now we say farewell.
hi